Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

• If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
• If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
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• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. 

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.
• If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
• And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!